Sunday, October 20, 2013

Can someone make this decision for me?!

A lot has been going on lately. First thing was that we took Bella to NYC (a very very late Christmas present). The poor kid has been so patiently waiting for this day for so long. We had already rescheduled it twice. The first time due to lack of sitters and the second due to our wonderful Fourth of July escapades. (In case you forgot the whole blood clot/ dislocated shoulder blade fiasco!) she couldn't wait to go. We took her to see everything she wanted. She loves NYC so much. After lots of sightseeing we took her to see Annie on Broadway. It was so awesome! Bella has been singing songs from that musical since she was 2! She has watched that movie a zillion times. She was first in line and wanted to wear her hair just like Annie's! She was adorable!

We also made our biggest purchase ever that week. Despite being super broke my car was costing me an average of $300.00 in gas a week just to get Bella to school and Eddie to therapy. There was just no way we could swing it anymore. We set out loan shopping and car shopping and some wonderful goodwill from wonderful people allowed us to not only get a loan but an amazing deal on a car. We got the perfect car for us. It's a '09 Subaru Forester and it's in amazing condition with great mileage. I went from filling up once a day to once a week!!! 

Speaking of financial woes, I have felt really guilty lately. I'm torn between going back to work so that we can not only get on our feet stably but so we can move towards our dream of homeownership and being here for Eddie and all of his therapies. If I go back we'd be in a better spot financially but Eddie would lose some of the services he gets and I wouldn't be able to learn from the therapists like I do now and continue to be a part of that work. I don't think I'm anything extra ordinary but I hope that the fact I'm here helping push him and working with him at home attending his therapies is a big part of how he's come so far. What if that stops. Who will push him? What if that choice pushes him backwards or holds him back. At the same time how will we keep a roof over these adorable children's heads? Food on the table? Big choices need to be made, and very soon. I've never felt so stressed and sad about anything. I feel like I'm letting someone down no matter what. Either little Eddie by taking away what I feel he desperately needs or big Eddie by putting all the financial pressure on him. I'm hoping I can find the faith I need so that we came make the right decision. 

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